Is that you? Your idea of Christmas cheer is “Bah Humbug.” You can’t think of anything worse than putting up the Christmas tree – until you remember you have to hang the outside lights. The incessant repetition of the same music from November onwards leaves you banging your head against the wall. You have never and will never wish for a white Christmas. You would rather eat your fingers than fight the crowds out shopping. You’ve stooped to desperate levels of creativity with your reasons for skipping social gatherings, parties and family get togethers.

Do you know anyone like that? Pick me, pick me! But you’re a pastor. Yes. And I’m a bit of a grinch. And I have a little scrooge in me. And I can be a bit on the curmudgeon side. Just a few days ago while helping to assemble the huge Christmas tree that goes in the church lobby I had a great idea. Next year, our message series will be “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and the tree in the lobby can be a Charlie Brown Christmas tree – much easier and less time consuming to assemble. I’m brilliant!

And I’m afraid I’ve turned my sons into little grinches. Now that they are teenagers and get to get in on all the fun of assembling the tree and putting lights up on the outside of the house they’ve turned a little sour this time of year. All three of us begged Amy to not get too carried away with all the Christmas decorating hoopla. Do we really need a big tree up? Do we really need lights on the outside of the house? But, you know what they say – when momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. So, this weekend I found myself in Hobby Lobby with every other human being within a 200 mile radius. And, if you drive down our street at night you will see our house shining brightly. Why? Because momma wanted it to. And even more so, because I love her.

Isn’t that what Christmas is all about? God sent His only Son because He loves us. Jesus humbly came into this world – born in a manger – because He loves us. Jesus went to the cross because He loves us. He rose from the dead because He loves us. God sent His Holy Spirit because He loves us. And the Holy Spirit guides us to love others.

So for all of you fellow, grinches, scrooges, and Christmas curmudgeons, let us love this Christmas season. Put up the tree, the house lights and the lawn ornaments because of the kids, spouse or neighbors who love them. Just get all Griswoldish with it! Let us shop for the perfect gifts to give to those we love. And when we are out shopping with all of the crazy people, let us think about the poor person working in retail who has been griped at, insulted and called bad names and show him or her a little love. When we hear that Christmas carol for the 200th time in 20 different renditions, let us remember the love it sings of.  When it comes to those Christmas parties, social events and family gatherings, let us go with the attitude of loving others – even the ones that are the toughest to love.

Isn’t that what Christmas is all about? Isn’t that what Jesus did for us? Even the grinches, Scrooges and curmudgeons that are the toughest to love?!

 

Which statement best characterizes your approach to conflict?

1. I avoid it at all costs
2. I can face it, but I don’t like it
3. A good argument every once in a while clears the air
4. I do conflict recreationally

Whether you avoid conflict like a plague or choose to argue with others for fun, disagreement is unavoidable. There is no greater challenge in building relationships than to master the art of handling conflict. Dealing with conflict always involves a series of choices. With each choice, our natural inclination is to handle the conflict in a destructive manner. But Jesus gave us a clear set of instructions to help us fight right!

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and

him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. Matthew 18:15

Acknowledge the Conflict

Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you.” He could have said, “When your brother sins against you.” To be alive means to be in conflict. People fight. Husbands and wives do. Parents and children do to. Co-workers do. Friends do. And yes, church people do to. In fact, we see several examples of conflict in the Bible. The first step in learning to handle conflict is to acknowledge that it’s going to happen.

Go

Next, Jesus commands us to “go.” After acknowledging the conflict, we must make a conscious decision to settle it. Conflict is not the problem – unresolved conflict is the problem. We can’t ignore it. We can’t wish it away. We can’t be fooled into thinking it will magically disappear. Go deal with it!

To the Person

Jesus makes it plain we are to go and “tell him.” And that it should be “between you and him alone.” Go directly to the person. Don’t vent to others. Don’t gossip. Don’t air out your grievances on Facebook. To slander another human being, to talk about someone we have not even confronted and to share it with the entire social media world – these are direct violations of Jesus’ fundamental command. In the next verse, Jesus gives further instruction for brining others into the conflict if that becomes necessary but initially we are charged to go directly to the person we are in conflict with.

Be Direct

Jesus says to “tell him his fault.” Don’t tiptoe around the issue. Don’t beat around the bush. By all means, use sensitivity. But state the complaint directly. And don’t get historical. If there is a temptation to bring up past conflicts, it means those issues were never resolved in the first place.

Reconcile

The goal of all conflict is to reconcile with the one we are in conflict with and to “gain our brother.” The goal is not to prove our point, to be right or to score points. The goals is always to restore the relationship.

Relationships are worth fighting for. Let’s fight right!

 

 

The group of 3 football players hesitantly approached the boy who was sitting in a corner of the middle school cafeteria all by himself. They asked if they could sit with him and barely lifting his face from his lunch and his phone he indicated with the shaking of his head he would rather they didn’t. So, they walked away but quickly gathered themselves and remembered the words of their coach.

The entire middle school had been awarded “free lunch seating” as a reward for the victorious defeat of their two biggest rivals in boys’ football and girls’ volleyball. This was a welcome respite from the usual “sit in the next available seat regardless of who else is sitting at the same table” lunchroom routine. The football coach had called the team aside and told them he was glad to award them with free seating but the thing he didn’t like about it was that some kids ended up eating lunch alone.  So, he strongly encouraged the team to make sure no kid ended up eating by themselves or their might be some repercussions during football practice.  Needless to say, the boys were determined to make sure no one ended up eating alone. They divided up into groups of three to four and spread out across the cafeteria sitting with those who had isolated themselves from their peers.

Recalling their coach’s motivational speech, the group returned to the boy who was eating by himself in the corner of the lunchroom and invited themselves to sit with him. The boy had his head buried in his lunch and phone and with intimidation wouldn’t give the football players much attention. The group tried to make small talk – the only things they knew to have conversation about – football, school, and even the weather. Their small talk didn’t get far until, finally, noticing that the boy would not remove his gaze from his phone, one of the football players asked him if he played Clash Royale. The boy’s head suddenly popped up, his countenance changed, a smile broke out across his face and he exclaimed, “Yes!” And with that all the boys pulled out their phones and began a new friendship based on something they all had in common.

As Jeb was telling his mom and I the story that evening, we couldn’t help but have a proud parent moment. We asked what prompted him to ask his new friend if he played Clash Royale. His response was he could just tell by the way he was playing with his phone that was something they might have in common.

It was a great lesson for Jeb, his mom and I and for all of us – the secret to new relationships is to find common ground. The foundation for all healthy relationships is to find common ground. It doesn’t matter if our interest is in sports or academics – we can find common ground. It doesn’t matter if our skin is white or black – we can find common ground. It doesn’t matter if we vote red or blue – we can find common ground. It doesn’t matter if the family feud is new or as old as the family – we can find common ground.

Where do you need to find common ground today? If it can be found in a middle school cafeteria, certainly we can find it anywhere.