Which statement best characterizes your approach to conflict?

1. I avoid it at all costs
2. I can face it, but I don’t like it
3. A good argument every once in a while clears the air
4. I do conflict recreationally

Whether you avoid conflict like a plague or choose to argue with others for fun, disagreement is unavoidable. There is no greater challenge in building relationships than to master the art of handling conflict. Dealing with conflict always involves a series of choices. With each choice, our natural inclination is to handle the conflict in a destructive manner. But Jesus gave us a clear set of instructions to help us fight right!

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and

him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. Matthew 18:15

Acknowledge the Conflict

Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you.” He could have said, “When your brother sins against you.” To be alive means to be in conflict. People fight. Husbands and wives do. Parents and children do to. Co-workers do. Friends do. And yes, church people do to. In fact, we see several examples of conflict in the Bible. The first step in learning to handle conflict is to acknowledge that it’s going to happen.

Go

Next, Jesus commands us to “go.” After acknowledging the conflict, we must make a conscious decision to settle it. Conflict is not the problem – unresolved conflict is the problem. We can’t ignore it. We can’t wish it away. We can’t be fooled into thinking it will magically disappear. Go deal with it!

To the Person

Jesus makes it plain we are to go and “tell him.” And that it should be “between you and him alone.” Go directly to the person. Don’t vent to others. Don’t gossip. Don’t air out your grievances on Facebook. To slander another human being, to talk about someone we have not even confronted and to share it with the entire social media world – these are direct violations of Jesus’ fundamental command. In the next verse, Jesus gives further instruction for brining others into the conflict if that becomes necessary but initially we are charged to go directly to the person we are in conflict with.

Be Direct

Jesus says to “tell him his fault.” Don’t tiptoe around the issue. Don’t beat around the bush. By all means, use sensitivity. But state the complaint directly. And don’t get historical. If there is a temptation to bring up past conflicts, it means those issues were never resolved in the first place.

Reconcile

The goal of all conflict is to reconcile with the one we are in conflict with and to “gain our brother.” The goal is not to prove our point, to be right or to score points. The goals is always to restore the relationship.

Relationships are worth fighting for. Let’s fight right!